Barley Legal

Four Victims of April Fool's

2008-04-01T20:41:00.009+08:00

Because of personal matters, my childhood friend Paul has been absent from his summer-make-up class for days already. He has become extremely worried that he might flunk the subject because of his absences and if so, he will not graduate. One morning, a few hours before attending his 2 pm class, he contacted Tom and asked him if their professor has already torn his class card. Tom told him that their professor was disappointed with him and he needed to join their group of “failing students”. They will present a special science project to get additional grades and increase their chances of graduating. Paul said that he will to join the group and will do anything to graduate. Tom told him that the group is already running out of funds and asked Paul to purchase for the group a 5-gallon mineral water (see image) as this will be used in their project.

Paul purchased one immediately. He usually rides his motorbike on his way to school but this time, he had to take a few jeepney rides. He could not tie the water container to his bike and had to carry it under the heat of the summer sun.

He arrived at their classroom sweaty and disheveled because of the summer heat, commuting, and of course, the 5-gallon burden. He felt that there’s something’s fishy because his classmates were mischievously smiling at him. When some of his classmates began to chuckle, Tom approached him and excitedly greeted him, “Happy April Fool’s, pare…!” Then the class burst into laughter and applauded…

He was able to graduate by the way…

One of my female friends sent a text message to his male friend and was able to initiate a “text conversation”. The conversation started with the usual “uy, musta – eto okay lang – kaw, ano balita”. After a few more exchange of messages, the guy became puzzled as to why she was having that chat with him. So he asked her why.

She said that she’s bored, in heat and asked if he could help her. Without waiting for a reply, she sent another message which said: “I’m alone right now, text me na lang pag nasa labas ka na.”

In less than 30 minutes, the guy was already in front of their house. As he alighted from his car, he texted her: “Andito na ko sa labas.” She replied: “Happy April Fool’s!”

Ayun…hindi na sila nag usap simula nun.

A few years ago, I decided to observe April Fool’s day by doing a prank on my friends at the office. It was around 9 pm when I called the office in Makati from my house in Quezon City. Damen was the one who answered my call. I asked him who among our barkada were around. He mentioned the names of the people who were there and asked me why I was interested. I said, “Pre, libre ko kayo dinner…wag mo muna pauwiin sila. Tanung mo kung sino pwede sumama then tawagan mo ulit ako dito.”

At around 10:30, the phone rang and it was Damen –

Damen: “Pre, hindi na pwede yung iba, umuwi na kaya lima lang kami. Saan ba tayo?”

Me: (Chuckling) “Happy April Fool’s! Uwi na kayo, hindi ako mag papakain.”

Damen: “Ulol. April Fool’s ka jan. Andito kami sa labas ng bahay mo.”

Me: (Laughing) “Nice one, ‘wag kana bumawi.”

(Doorbell rings several times)

Damen: “Ako yung nag d-doorbell.”

I wasn’t able to buy the shoes I have been yearning for that month…and since then, I never attempted to do the same prank again.

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More April Fool's Day stories here!

First Time in History

2008-03-20T13:18:00.009+08:00

I am a fanatic of inter-country sports competition and as much as possible, I watch such events especially if the Philippines is a participant. Please do correct me if I’m wrong but I think, what I encountered last Sunday, March 16 was a first - a first in Philippine Sports History…Philippine Boxing History to be exact. I haven’t read about anything like it or witnessed something similar before.

If a match is to be decided by relying on the scorecards, and there is doubt as to whether or not the Filipino boxer had connected enough punches to win the match or the boxers seemingly had an “equal performance” to label the duel as “a match that could go either way”, victory will most likely tilt to the adversary.

But what happened last Sunday in the rematch between Manny Pacquiao and Juan Manuel Marquez was different. To the joy of multitude of Filipinos (including me, of course), the judges surprisingly gave it to the Filipino boxer who noticeably had a sub-par performance. The people inside the cinema shouted in jubilance and threw their fists in the air to strike a “victory pose” when Michael Buffer uttered the words: “and the neeeew...” (excluding me this time…but I clapped in my seat…and I was like, “Swerte, tayo naman naka-nakaw ngayon. First time.”)

Congrats pero, isa pang laban please...

Manny Pacquiao deviated from his usual aggressive style and seemed too cautious in the said match. The result, instead of connecting punches, he was receiving a lot of Marquez’s jabs. The flurry of punches that we have seen before was non-existent. His most effective technique which is the sidestep-to-connect-a-hook move was seen only once. We also didn’t see his developed right hook which seemed deadly on paper. It was a good thing that Marquez was floored in the third round. If it didn’t happen, the result would not have been the same.

That knockdown, for me, was not the factor that spelled the difference but rather the “excuse” why to give it to the Filipino hero. Marquez was floored three times in their previous duel but the match ended in a draw and he retained his title. Why give it to Pacquiao today when his performance was more cogent in their last match? Or perhaps this is the very instance why they gave it to Manny - there was a mistake before so they rectified it. Pardon me for apparently not having confidence in my kababayan but definitely, it was an unconvincing victory.

Right after the fight, I thought that there was going to be a 3rd match between the two, but to my disappointment, it will never happen in the near future. There will be most likely a Pacquiao-Diaz match under the 135-lb class and not a Pacquiao-Marquez 3rd bout. The latter match will most likely to happen if Marquez is already old and way past his prime.

Mga ayoko kapag manonood ng sine

2008-01-16T20:10:00.000+08:00

Since I posed as a pseudo-movie critic in my two previous posts (My Lolo Benok did what!? and The Last Man on Earth), I might as well share some of my movie experiences…the bad ones.

One of the things I really love to do is to watch movies and, as much as possible, I don’t want to be disturbed while doing so. I really get irritated when I get disrupted because I don’t want my enjoyment to be brought to a stop.

Here are the top 10 things that make my movie watching experience bad:

10) Nakaka-iritang seatmate – Alam mo yung mga taong kinaiinisan mo na wala naman ginagawa sa `yo? (Don’t despise me for this attitude...lahat tayo meron nito, aminin man natin o hinde. Naiinis ka kay Horatio `diba? Wala naman siya ginagawa sa `yo...) Meron rin sa sinehan nito, so naiirita ako habang nanonood…i-dominate ko nga arm rest..!

9) Pagkain na malakas ang amoy or tunog – Pwede naman kumain, eh. Wag lang sana yung amoy na amoy at rinig na rinig yung crunch. Nakaka gulo talaga ng panonood - katulad ng mga Porky’s Best yan na ang ingay pag kinakain....at yung mga snacks na amoy na amoy mo yung dip, pati pizza na ren! Pag bukas ng box, amoy pizza na paligid. Tolerable pa naman...usually, nauubos naman nung matatakaw yung food nila sa gitna ng movie, kaya wala na amoy halfway.

8) Harang sa screen – Sino ba naman ang hindi magugulo at maiinis kapag naharangan ng view habang nanonood? Sana naman maging considerate...mag-washroom na muna bago pumasok sa sinehan para sa gitna ng movie wala ng tatayo. And in case naman sa free seating, pumasok sana on time para hindi paharang-harang sa screen habang nag hahanap ng mauupuan.

7) Phone Message Tone at Backlight – Kahit anong interes at concentration mo sa pinapanood mo, basta tumunog ang celfone ng katabi mo or malapit sa `yo, magugulo ka pa rin. Kung hindi nga tumunog, pero bubuksan niya para mag check kung sino yung walang load na nag “pamiscol”, magugulo ka pa rin dahil masisilaw ka sa lakas ng backlight ng fone niya. Palibhasa, ayaw pakinggan request ni Sonny, eh...

6) Sipa sa seat – Shempre, `pag manonood ka, gusto mo comfortable ka sa upuan mo. Eto yung hindi ko pinapalagpas sa movie house. Kapag may napapasipa o nakadikit na tuhod sa likuran ng upuan ko, sinasabihan ko yung tao na nasa likod ko. Maski “magaan” pa yung pagka-patong niya, ramdam mo pa rin, eh...

5) Batang maingay – Pwede ba, kapag seryoso ang sine iwan nalang ang anak niyong maingay sa yaya niya sa bahay? Or kung walang yaya, eh di mag dvd na lang kayo sa bahay para hindi kayo maka gulo sa ibang manonood sa sine. Buti kung family movie tulad ng Shrek. Okay lang yun. Pero kung tipong palabas ay may nag uusap na importante, tapos may biglang batang salita ng salita o kaya iiyak ng malakas sa paligid, `di ba nakaka-bwiset?

4) Malakas mag-kwentuhan - Siguro naman na experience mo na ito. Magkakaroon ng discussion sa likuran mo. Tapos, mas grabe kapag grupo pa sila. Kung na iinip sila sa sine kasi boring, labas na lang sila sana...o kaya, pwede naman sila mag bulungan na lang. Nakaka-distract kasi eh. Kadalasan, ginagawa nila ito sa magandang parte ng palabas. Kasama na rin dito yung mga nakikipag-usap sa celfone nila.

3) Tatawa ng pilit at malakas para ipaalam sa iba na gets nila ang punchline – Eto yung mga viewers na pinapaalam sa lahat na may sense of humor sila. Hindi naman nila kailangan pilitin tumawa o palakasin ang tawa para lang malaman ng iba na hindi sila slow. Isang beses, nanonood ako ng Road Trip. Shempre, ang daming nakaka tawang scenes dun. So yung maingay na tao sa likod, todo tawang pilit. Tapos, may punchline tungkol sa KKK, hindi siya tumawa...nagparinig nga ako ng: “O ano? Hindi mo nakuha yung punchline, noh?” Pagkatapos nun, hindi na sha “tumawa”. (Dapat talaga minsan pumapatol ka sa mga nakakainis para tumigil yung pang inis nila.)

2) Mga ma-comment na tao – Eto yung mga taong “naka-buntot” sa palabas. Bawat ngyayari sa palabas, parang nag-nanarrate sila. Parang field reporter. Minsan pa nga nauuna sila eh. For example, may scene na namatay na yung character, mag ccomment sila ng: “Ay...namatay na sha...” O kaya pag may character na nag tatago sa madilim na lugar kasi may nag hahabol sa kanya: “Mamamatay yan...” Okay lang sana mag comment sa sarili...wag na parinig sa iba.

1) Yung sine mismo walang kwenta – So...ready ka na mag relax at mag enjoy relax sa panonood ng sine. Nung isang araw mo pa ito na plano...pag dating ng ganitong araw, papanorin mo itong sine na may mabibigat na artista. Tapos, pag katapos mo ito mapanood...maiinis ka kasi nag sayang ka ng panahon at pera para maka panood ng walang kwentang sine. Ilang beses na ngyari sa akin to...pinaka fresh sa memory ko ay yung 1408 starring John Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson. Shempre, ma-eexcite ako nun. Si Cusack nakilala ko sha sa True Colors at nagustuhan ko yung Runaway Jury niya. Si Jackson naman, kung saan saan-saan mo nakikitang palabas...gitna pa lang ng palabas, alam ko ng walang kwenta eh.

Sa lahat ng movie houses ngyayari mga yan. Mapa lugar ng A, B, or C crowd (Mga D wala ng pera yan `di ba? Hindi sila nkaka nood ng sine. So hindi sila kasali. Ano? Discrimination nanaman?)

The Last Man on Earth

2008-01-13T21:38:00.000+08:00

It was only my second time to see New York devoid of human beings. The first time I saw it in such condition was in the 1997 thriller Devil’s Advocate when Kevin Lomax (Keanu Reeves) went out of the mental institution to look for John Milton (Al Pacino) and it was stunning. And recently, in the sci-fi horror I am Legend. This time, I was enthralled because Robert Neville (Will Smith), probably the only survivor in what was left of said place because of a killer virus, roamed it along with Sam (his pet dog) as if it was his private property.

He traveled everyday with a different high-end vehicle using free gasoline. There were no traffic enforcers to give him a ticket for over speeding or driving recklessly along the wrong lane, and also no police officers to apprehend him for shooting a semi-automatic weapon in the middle of the city. There were also no animal rights groups that will hound him for shooting down deer and he could fish anytime he wanted without any competition in a controlled environment.

But these privileges are not without a drawback even if he was apparently the last man on earth. It wasn’t loneliness as he was accompanied by his loyal and well-trained German shepherd who refuses to obey his commands and he didn’t mind talking to his set-up mannequin friends in the video store he frequented.

Everyday, for years already, Dr. Robert Neville had to experiment to find a cure for a deadly airborne virus which mutated humans and animals into violent, vampiric creatures. This virus was the imperfection of the cure for cancer that caused the deaths of many.

The first two-thirds of the movie were about his daily routine, survival against the dreaded mutants and his relationship with Sam. It was an hour filled with excitement and scenes that will make you squirm. From time to time, there were flashbacks of what had happened before his forced solitude. It can be learned from those flashbacks that his wife and kid were killed during the evacuation of Manhattan when an out-of-control helicopter slammed against theirs. This was moments after Sam was handed to Neville by his kid when she was still a pup as they tearfully bid their good-byes. That was the third saddest part of the movie.

The second saddest part of the movie was when Sam got infected by the virus. She got bitten by mutated dogs when she defended a limping Neville from being devoured. After the mutated mutts were shot and killed by Neville, he took Sam to his lab. He injected a dose of his formula and hugged her on the floor while waiting for a possible miracle of his cure. He sang to her assuring Sam that everything was going to be fine. But it was too late as the signs of viral infection began to show. When Sam already became violent, a tearful Robert Neville broke Sam’s neck, killing her instantly and deprived her of more screen time.

The saddest part was the remaining one-third of the movie. It was awful. After Will Smith superbly carried the movie most of the way, there was a distasteful sudden introduction of Anna and a young boy. I bet they didn’t have trouble memorizing their lines unlike Will, aside from the script, had to memorize lines verbatim from Shrek.

In the end, Neville’s experiment was proven to work. His mutant subject in his lab became tame, had its blood pressure and breathing patterns back to normal and seemed to improve in physical features - it became less zombie-like. Neville extracted blood from the “cured” mutant and handed the vial that contained the same to Anna. Neville sacrificed himself to save Anna and the boy from a horde of bloodthirsty mutants by using a grenade. Anna and the boy brought the blood sample to a “survivors’ camp” in Vermont where they presumably lived happily ever after.

The purpose of movie endings is to leave a lasting impression to the viewers. There is no doubt that the Fresh Prince had another remarkable performance here. But because of the ugly ending, the upbeat and intense start of the movie was put into waste.

7 and a half Bob Marleys out of 10.

My Lolo Benok did what!?

2008-01-10T14:06:00.000+08:00

What would you do, or how would you react if you will learn that your reputable, dead great-great grand Lolo Benok is being asserted with “biased proof” as one of the conspirators who staged the rigged trial for one of our country’s greatest heroes, Andres Bonifacio, which ultimately lead to the latter’s execution?

You might practically do nothing about it. And presumably, you would just express words of indifference such as “Ahh, ganun ba…” or “Eh anu naman ngayon?” And, if you’re a knucklehead who glorifies any person who had done any wrongdoing, you might probably say “Ang cool pala ni lolo.”

But, if you’re Benjamin Gates - treasure hunter, cryptologist and great-great grandson of an American Civil War Hero, you’re going to do everything just to clear you great-great grandfather’s name and wipe the smudge off of your esteemed family name.

I felt that Walt Disney’s National Treasure: Book of Secrets dragged at the start because the principal motivating factor, which made Benjamin “Ben” Gates (Nicolas Cage) to globetrot, was not stirring enough to get my enthusiasm. The adventure starts with a plot to clear the accusation that Thomas Gates, who is the great-great grandfather of Ben Gates, was a conspirator behind the Abraham Lincoln assassination. So what if he was itching to clear his great-great grandfather’s name?

As the movie progressed, I realized that the punch lines were better, and the clue-gathering sequence was much more interesting and thrilling in the first National Treasure movie back in 2004. Even though Book of Secrets was already spiced-up with relationship conflicts and a relatively mild car chase that was aroused by mean antagonist Mitch Wilkinson (Ed Harris), I still felt that the sequel didn’t have the same vigor the 2004 movie had. It got a little exhilarating in the middle but, if you happen to be an 80’s kid, you might feel you’re watching a new version of Indiana Jones in the Mount Rushmore “secret cave” scene.

Overall, National Treasure: Book of Secrets is worth watching. It’s fun, entertaining and educational (I think.). Just don’t expect realism.

6 Confederate Flags out of 10.

Disrupting my Academic Itinerary - Unexpected Part II

2007-12-16T17:06:00.001+08:00

Unexpected

2007-12-11T16:02:00.001+08:00

Years ago, I had no choice but to rigidly adhere to an agonizing routine. I was very young and my options were too limited thus powerless to fend off the fact that I had to wake up at 4:30 in the morning during weekdays.

As soon as I wake up, I mutter for a few minutes before I stand up to gargle. I complained everyday because I had to wake up that early. Then, while squinting due to the light emitted from the fluorescent lamp, I eat my bland-tasting breakfast. Then I brush my teeth to eliminate the awful taste of what I have eaten. Then I take a bath…this is the time that my eyes will be fully opened. Then, I wipe myself dry and wear my uniform. Afterwards, I comb my hair…no applying of hair gel because I didn’t have one. (I asked my father to buy me one but since he’s very thrifty, he just told me that I could use his Tancho pomade instead - Wag na lang. Ambaho kaya non.) Then I await my school bus’s arrival at around 5:15. I was the first passenger to be picked-up and the last one to be brought home because my house was the farthest from school.

This is one of the many reasons why I hate my grade school life. It was such a very unpleasant experience for me…

Okay, to continue…

Then at school…the same boring stuff. Everyday. I attend classes from 8:00 am till 3:30 pm. Then at 4:00 pm, my school bus leaves school to bring us students to our respective homes. This is the only fun part of my day – the ride home. Aside from the fact that I’m already home bound, my bus mates and I did the craziest and barbaric things just to have fun. I arrive at home at around 5:00 pm…do my homework, have dinner and go to sleep at 7:30 pm.

So that’s about it. That went for about three years…until one day, when I alighted my school bus, our maid approached my school bus driver. I was puzzled why would our maid talk with my bus driver. I thought that there was a problem. I didn’t bother to ask and just went inside our house. As I entered our house, I was surprised to see that there were balloons, lots of food and smiling relatives who greeted me a happy birthday. It was a surprise birthday party for me. Oh…so that’s why our maid approached Mang Bhoy, my bus driver. He was being asked to attend my party.

Hindi ko na kilala yung buhat ng yaya and yung dalawang naka talikod sa left.

I was too excited to eat. All I did was to go around and speak with my guests. I went from one seat to another. Sequentially, I arrived at the portion of our living room where my bus driver was enjoying his meal while being entertained by my aunts. When one of my aunts saw me, she then asked my driver in jest: “Siguro makulit si Barley sa school bus niyo, ano?” Her voice was audible enough to catch the attention of the guests near us. Seemingly interested, they went near us to hear about what my driver had to say…

“Ayan? Kasama ng mga barkada niya sa bus ang gugulo…” At this point, I was hoping that Mang Bhoy wouldn’t go into details. He then continued: “ Nag babatuhan sila ng mga pagkain…gamit nila mga baon nila, nang-aasar sa mga tao sa labas…kadalasan pa nga, binabato nila ng kung ano ano. Nandudura pa mga yan…”

AW, COME ON. Birthday ko!

As a seven-year old kid, I have been humiliated many times especially at school by my teachers. My parents also never hesitated to abash me in front of my relatives if I have done something wrong. But what I felt that day was very different – I have never been embarrassed that way before. My head was bent down and I couldn’t look into the eyes of my relatives. There was silence within our small group for a moment and then I heard the voice of my mom – “Bhoy…mukhang hinihintay ka na ng pamilya mo…dalhin mo na itong barbeque sa kanila, salamat sa pag punta.”

Pinaalis na yung walang modo kong bisita. Pinahiya ba naman ako sa birthday ko…*sniff

Papahiyain mo ba ang batang ito? Ang bait tignan, eh (A pose beside my cartolina banner before sleeping - wala pang tarpaulin noon.)

Overall, it was an unforgettable and enjoyable experience. It was unforgettable because of what that ingrate did…and enjoyable because I was able to spend my birthday with my cousins and other relatives from both sides.

Thank you Mommy and Daddy.

Killer Technology

2007-12-02T21:05:00.001+08:00

Because of technological innovations, we can do a lot of things nowadays with ease. Now, I will not support the previous statement anymore because it will just render this entry more dragging. Moreover, aside from the reason that such subject can be found all over the net, almost everybody is aware that such innovations have improved our daily lives. So, I really don’t have to extensively expound – E-mail, since it’s faster in expressing one’s loathe than snail mail, it will replace the latter…Prosthesis, because of what it can do, it will be a trustworthy solution for dating problems… yadda yadda yadda.

But every technological innovation has its downside. Let us take our examples above: E-mail…it’s fast …but recipients will never truly feel the hatred of the sender. Unless there will be an enhancement of the said innovation, recipients will never see any “bitter strokes” from handwritings or “rendered depths” caused by pressure unconsciously exerted by displeasured writers. They will just see red, size 36-72 fonts and are accompanied by those “angry”, cartoony emoticons. In the case of Prosthesis…sure he can now confidently ask a woman for a date…but unless he doesn’t make any advances, it will be very painful.

Example of a letter with bitter strokes and rendered depths

(This note was handed to me when I was in High School. My classmate got real mad at me when I "accidentally" lifted her skirt in the middle of the classroom. And to Ethel...of course, I wore pants. )

Anyway…what I’m trying to drive at is a certain adverse effect of the technological innovation, the SMS or text messaging.

It’s true that text messaging makes our lives easier and like e-mail, it can send messages in an instant. It also makes wireless communication a lot cheaper because instead of phones calls, we utilize said innovation to converse with people. Aside from the immediate comfort we experience with texting, the same also helps those macho or inexpressive love searchers who lacks the cheesiness to pursue a loved one – forwarding “love quotes” is very unimaginative, but it works for some people. (Also, some forwarded love quotes are susceptible to different interpretations. So if the recipient is an idiot, the more ambiguous the message, the sweeter it is for her - “Aaay…mahal ko na sha, ang deep at sweet niya.”) However, the forwarding of jokes is killing the comics. (Not by profession but by “bearing or character” or the “patawas” or people who loves to jest) The passing of jokes from one phone to another actually makes the lives those comedians more difficult. Such forwarding renders their acts old and recycled. They have to actually avoid climactic phrases that were already “told” in the texting world so that they will not hear comments such as: “Ay, na-receive ko na yan..” or “Nakuha mo lang yan sa text, eh.”

While texting helps romantics, it kills comics. Well…not all comics.

There are some people who even though how rampant the spreading of jokes is, they can still come up with punch lines and antics that will surely make people laugh. They are whom I call “naturals”.

Below, are my friends, in no particular order, whom I consider as such and have made me laugh on numerous occasions. I also included a brief “work sample” from the comics - not necessarily their funniest though…

DAMEN

Damen is my former officemate and one of my close friends in the company we worked for. He is still working for the same company as a senior tech-support engineer. Recently, my girlfriend got infuriated because I lied to her. Despite numerous “apology texts” and calls, she didn't forgive me. I even went to her office to show her how sorry I was but my efforts were futile she didn’t leave her desk to speak with me. Damen accompanied me that night…

Damen: “Pre, anu ba ngyari, ba’t galit na galit sa ‘yo si Tina?"

Me: “Eh nahuli ako nag sisinungaling, eh.”

Damen: “Paano ba ngyari?”

Me: “Ganito kasi…tanong niya ako kung saan ako nag sisimba, sabi ko doon sa amin. Pero sa totoo, nasa bahay lang ako kasi tinatamad ako mag simba. Ayun, dun rin pala sha nag simba, nahuli niya ako nag sisinungaling. Naasar sha.”

Damen: “Ayun lang pala, eh. Eh `di mag simba ka tapos wag mo sabihin sa kanya.”

Ang labo diba? Pero napatawa niya ako nung gabing yun.

JOEY

Joey and I have been friends since grade school. He used to work for a foreign company situated here in the Philippines as a banker. He quit his job to concentrate on his band. Since were neighbors, we frequently hangout. Recently, he accompanied me buy stuff from Makro. He made my shopping and grocerying experience more fun that day by making a multitude of simple but funny hirits. Here is one of them…

(While we were in the Oatmeal(?) Section)

Barley: “Pare, ano pinag kaiba ng blue at red Quaker Oats? Bibili kasi ako…”

Joey: “Yung blue, yan yung 3-minute cooking…yung red, instant…add ka lang hot water…”

Barley: “Ah ganun ba…okay…”

Joey: “Diba parati ka nag mamadali?”

Barley: “Oo…kaya yung red kukunin ko…yung instant.”

Joey: “Wag yan. Hanapin mo yung ready-to-eat…yung pina-papak.”

EMER

Emer is my former high school classmate and a very good friend of mine. At weekends, if we both have the time, we go out to dine and bloat ourselves. He is currently under the training program of Cebu Pacific and he has no plans to work for a foreign airline company in the future.

He is somehow an exception here as he not much of a patawa. He is rather masungit, and a very serious person. He rarely cracks a joke but when he does, it’s real funny. I guess that what makes a unique kind of comic. His jokes are special because they’re rare and come from a cranky person.

This just in:

JAMES

James is also my high school classmate and barkada. We attended the same college and belonged to the same ROTC unit. He is now currently contributing to the Philippines’ brain drain by rendering his services to Canada. James’ spontaneity in his hirits made a whole platoon laugh with this gem:

We were being briefed by our commanding officer in our ROTC unit one Sunday and were given guidelines for our activities for the next coming Sunday:

Officer: "Next week, darating si presidente. Bawal mag dala ng baril or deadly weapons. Is that clear?"

All: “Sir, yes sir!”

James: “Permission to sound-off sir!”

Officer: “Sound-off.”

James: “Bawal po mag-dala ng deadly weapon?”

Officer: “Bawal.”

James: “Kahit ano?”

Officer: “Kahit ano.”

James: “Eh sir…(posed a Karate Kid stance) paano yung kung-fu ko?”

(Everybody laughed except for our officer)

Officer: “Give me 50, geddemit…”

James: “Yesser…!”

Ayun. Dalawa na sila hindi tumatawa.

IVAN

Ivan is also my former high school classmate and barkada. Basing on his pictures in his Friendster profile, I think he’s currently busy making money out of his hacienda. We seldom see each other nowadays but the funny memories with him remain. Here is one of the antics he did back in the day:

We were having our barkada Christmas party in the clubhouse of one of our friends. It was already late and most of the people were already drunk. We were around 15 people seated in a long table and Ivan was in the “Padre de Familia’s” seat. Our conversations shifted from one topic to another and when it shifted to the subject Miss Universe pageant, Ivan suddenly excitedly blurted: “Mga tol! Nakita niyo na ba si Miss Nigeria!?” Before we were able to answer, the 6'2" Ivan stood up, turned his back on us, pulled his shorts down, pulled his brief up high inserting it between his crack rendering a “g-string effect” and completely exposed his dark butt cheeks.

Nawala yung amats nung karamihan sa amin.

FRANCO

Franco or Tito Popoy is one of the 6 brothers of my dad. He is a former officer of the AFP and is now currently a PAL pilot. My dad, and most of my uncles are funny especially Tito Mike. (The Trillanes issue is still hot…so I would rather not further defame the AFP by posting here how funny my Tito Mike is as he is currently one of the top officers in the country.) They really make family reunions more fun and their quips come out of them naturally. What makes Tito Popoy worth mentioning here is that his timing perfects his jests…

Because of her old age and a few life-threatening strokes, lola had been in and out of the hospital for months. Her 8 children – my 6 uncles including Franco, my dad and my aunt held a family meeting in the province where my lola resided. They have become extremely worried about lola’s state and the many circumstances surrounding her. Among those circumstances, three had to be resolved right away: First, the lack of manpower .Yes, there were 8 of them but there was no one capable of attending to her needs 24/7 because they were scattered all over Luzon. Second, lola had no appetite and it made her condition worse. Third, since she was confined in a military base hospital, attending doctors were scarce.

They were seated in a round table and quietly tried to resolve every problem. I could feel the tension emanating from where they were situated. With regard to the first problem, they decided to employ a private nurse and were willing to pay a hefty sum to assure that someone will attend to their mother. As to the problem with lola’s appetite, Tito Popoy suggested: “Wag na natin pakainin ng mansanas si mommy.” All eyes were then upon him in puzzlement then my aunt asked him: “Bakit aalisin sa diet ni mommy yun? Yun na nga lang kinakain niya, eh.” Tito Popoy replied: “…eh dba, an apple a day, keeps the doctor away…kaya walang doctor nag a-attend sa kanya eh.” They just ignored his statement and proceeded with the meeting.

To lessen the “grief level” of the congregation, Dad delivered a “comical eulogy” for lola a year after. Remember, he’s funny too.

IPE

Ipe is also my former officemate and one of my barkada in the company we worked for. He and his wife are currently running a pre-school in Cubao. He shared a lot of real life stories with us and most of them were really funny. Here’s one of them:

While Ipe was still attending college, he incurred a life-altering problem. It was so overwhelming that he needed to tell it to his mom right away. However, he feared that after telling his problem, he might be kicked-out of their house. Ultimately, he devised a way on how to tell it to his mom: He decided to make his mom laugh first before telling his problem. Ipe’s expertise is to make people laugh and since he has been living with his mom since birth, it was easy for him to make her laugh. And so, he did. When his mom was already laughing so hard and tears began to roll down her cheeks, he suddenly told the news: “Ay Ma, onga pala, nabuntis ko girlfriend ko.”

Nag iba daw bigla yung facial expression nung nanay niya. eh.

Thanks for making me laugh guys!

Philippine Master Painters' Convention

2007-11-07T16:22:00.000+08:00

Recently, my friend and I attended a convention on the promotion of up-and-coming master painters in the Philippines. There were only a few guests since it was an invite-only assembly. Most of the guests were either art fanatics or painters. My friend and I belonged to the latter category. I met some of my friends back in art school and new acquaintances. I also feasted my eyes on the various paintings exhibited – landscapes, portraits, still life and real life.

After the usual speeches and presentation of platforms, there was a post-ceremonial dinner. My friend and I sat on the same long table but we spoke with different people. He spoke with his former colleagues and I with an old art class partner. While eating our lavish meal, the emcee introduced a master-to-be who is going to paint real life in front of the whole congregation in less than 10 minutes. It was sort of a “speed painting” presentation for the guests.

The painter took his easel then went up to the platform where a fairly large canvas was set along with his brushes and paint tube set. He courteously introduced himself, shared a little background about his lucrative profession and cracked a joke that would make him lose his credibility because of its lameness. After the brief prologue, and before he started to paint, the artist announced: “What I will paint this evening in front of you, beloved guests is ‘Cutting Hair in the middle of a Savannah’”. Rossini’s The Barber of Seville then started to play in the background and the painter began to mix his colours.

At first, there was almost complete silence. What a person could only hear that moment was the classical background music, the echoing of the bristles and the painter’s narration on how he was executing his strokes to arrive at a certain effect. He was doing a Bob Ross kind of a thing.

When the painting was already determinable, one could already hear the ooohs and aaahs of the guests. There was also conservative clapping from time to time. Every stroke coming from the painter’s hand, there was a reaction of amazement from his viewers. The guests, including me, were really delighted on what were witnessing.

Four seats away from me was my friend. He was cheering as if he was in a rock concert. He shouted extolments like: “Nice stroke there!”“ Beautiful craggy effect there!” “Life-like colours, remarkable!” “That’s how geniuses do it, brilliant!” He was kind of irritating because he was too loud and was exaggerated in glorifying the artist was doing. He hollered unnecessarily and disrupted some of the guests, including me. This was the bad part of the evening.

When the scenery was halfway through, the atmosphere had become more intense as the guests anticipated the final phase of the painting – and my friend just got louder. This time, it was worse as he called my attention (And remember, he was four seats away):

Him: “Pare, look at the way he’s painting the bushes and shrubs! Galing, di ‘ba?

Me: “Onga, eh.”

Him: “I bet he’s using a 0.6 Donkey’s Eyebrow paint brush!”

Me: “Ah, you noticed pare ha…”

Him: “That’s the best type of paint brush, eh…the Donkey’s Eyebrow”

Me: “Onga, eh”

Him: “Walang kwenta yung mga Old Cat’s Whiskers.”

Me: “I see…”

I really got annoyed. I responded with one-liners to show that I wasn’t interested in what he was saying. To further show my disinterest, I constantly turned my back on him right after I gave him a response.

The crowd applauded as the painter ended his work by marking his signature on the lower left portion of the canvas. My old art class partner and I then continued our pleasant conversation. I could not concentrate on what he was saying because I could hear my friend exaggeratedly congratulating the painter. Then the worst part of the evening came as my friend called my attention again…

Him: (speaking in a loud, audible voice): “Barley, sabi ko sa iyo he was using a Donkey’s Eyebrow, eh…”

Me: “Onga, sabi mo kanina…”

Him: “Sabi ko sa iyo, mas okay ito, eh…wag ka na mag mga Old Cat’s Whiskers”

By this time, I was infuriated already but I still managed to maintain my poise.

Me: “Talaga naman mas maganda ang Donkey’s Eyebrow, walang debate doon. Wala lang ako pera pambili niyan.”

Him: “Sus. Ang dami-dami mong pera, eh”

I looked toward another direction as I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat.

Put*ng Ina. What a poseur! What was he trying to prove in front of those people? That he’s an expert in the field of painting? He’s not, that’s for sure…he’s just a noob! What the hell was he thinking? Baka nakalimutan niya na ako nag turo sa kanya kung ano maganda gamiting brush noong nag uumpisa pa lang sha mag pintura!?

Paimpress ampota.

It’s Mr. Paimpress again. Same asshole, different story.

Now, the said convention is non-existent as well as the types of paintbrushes. I didn't attend art school, and I don’t even paint at all. But I can do is this:

I sent this MS Paint Jpeg to my girlfriend 4 years ago.

But he definitely did it again. And this time, in front of a number of people. I just didn’t narrate the true events that transpired because it will become obvious as to whom I am referring to.

I was sooo pissed-off for two days. (Swerte naman ‘tong gagong ‘to…nasa isip ko siya) The thought of what he has done even affected my date with my girlfriend since I kept ranting about the same. The “pa-impress” incident, which just happened days before, no matter how I tried to forget about it, stuck in my mind. I then thought that I must come up with a solution in order to forget what happened.

I thought of giving him a piece of my mind. But, considering his attitude, I know that my efforts would be futile. I am quite sure that our friendship will never be the same if I will frankly tell him what was his (or mine) problem. Been there…done that…and lost a close friend. So it would be very unwise to let my emotions get the best of me again. Anyway, some things are better left unsaid. A friend once told me in substance that as long as we were okay, there was no need for us to talk about our issues anymore. Mr. Paimpress and I are okay…were fine…why disrupt the serenity of our friendship?

So why all of a sudden, after my “coward’s tirade” I begin to express my fear of losing my friendship with Mr. Paimpress? Actually, the person is fun to be with. He is very hilarious and could naturally generate quality punchlines. His humour helps me forget my superficial problems.

This, I think, is one of the best ways to preserve a relationship: Look at the good qualities of the person instead at his rotten side. Mr. Paimpress’ attitude is still tolerable so at this stage, he will never hear about it. But if your friend’s distasteful attitude is already quite disturbing, and there are no other options left, then that’s the time you must exercise candor. Speak directly with the person. Do not blog about him.

Gossips, Gossips

2007-10-31T01:01:00.000+08:00

I heard that Grace is in deep trouble right now. According to her friend Lenny, Grace visited her ob-gyne under the pretense that her ovarian cyst had become worse. She speculated that the true reason behind Grace’s trip to the doctor was because of her pregnancy. Lenny furthered that it might be Grace’s male best friend Myk who had impregnated her since Grace’s boyfriend is out of town most of the time.

The short story above was supposed to be a secret between two friends. It was a conversation between an unfortunate confider and a mindless loudmouth. The confidential communication was not only was spilled-out but moreover augmented with untruthful elements that only a shameless gossip could cook up.

The true version of the story is this: Grace simply went to the hospital and visited her ob-gyne to have her annual check-up. Since her boyfriend wasn’t available on that day, Myk, her male best friend, accompanied her. Since she doesn’t want people to know that she has an ovarian cyst, she asked her friend to keep quiet about her visit to the doctor.

It can be said that the story wasn’t that big of a deal but that doesn’t give the ungrateful confidant the right to fatten the story and disseminate the same. I used the adjective “ungrateful” because I feel that once a person had been trustfully imparted by a confider some sort of a secret, that person had “received a part” of the confider’s life. As a recipient of such part, the confidant should have felt that he is an important person in the confider’s life and be appreciative by at least preserving the secret.

Gossips do this for the purpose of destroying the reputation of their target. Most of the time, they do it because of envy. And since they have creative minds, these fabulists do not need a complete story to be used as a skeletal framework for their lies. They just need a portion of it.

Another type of gossip is a person who instinctively blurts out people’s secrets just for his listeners’ amusement. He’ll get a few minutes of fame and feel that he is a very important person when arguments or inquiries arise with regard to the story he just told – all at the expense of the confider. They are the people whom I call “Mga pabida sa kwentuhan”.

The one in yellow is the Pabida sa Kwentuhan

But of course, there are exceptions. One cannot be considered a gossip if he shares someone’s secret with a very trusted close friend without any intention of spreading such secret. This very trusted close friend could be a sweetheart, sibling, best friend, spouse and not just any superficial bud who usually speaks only of “one-dimensional topics”.

It is likewise harmless to share someone’s secret to a person who has no direct connection or relation to the confider. The narration usually starts with the usual taglish: “Meron akong friend…” (And usually, the storyteller gets an “Ulol. Ikaw yan, eh…!” from his listeners)

After all, there is no “perfect secret”. It is so true what Mike Myers (as Wayne Campbell) said in substance in his movie Wayne’s World: “…your best friend will tell his best friend, and his best friend will tell his best friend and his best friend will tell his best friend and it goes on and on…” – or something to that effect. (Benjamin Franklin’s “Three can keep a secret if two are dead” is sooo 1700s.)

Oh, no Sir...100 Dollar bills never go out of style.

This is the scary truth about sharing secrets. Even if is it is all right to share someone’s secret with a very trusted close friend or someone who is not directly connected with the confider, it is still best to keep one’s mouth shut to avoid unwanted leak of stories and an eventual circulation of the same.

Gossips have tainted reputations and toppled relationships. Some have fallen on their knees and yielded to its might, and some fought back in attempt to save their faces and relationships. I myself have become a target for numerous occasions since my teenage years and honestly, I still find difficulty in repelling the cheap shots hurled by those simple-minded persons.

I am currently a member of a small academic community where gossiping is rampant. On separate occasions, I got pissed-off because of a fabricated tale, enraged by a baseless and derogatory story and got disgusted over something a “pabida sa kwentuhan” had done. They thought that their crap would never reach me and it’s quite sad to know that the people behind all these are my friends.

_____________________________________________

“Grace’s story” is a work of fiction. The names and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination and are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead or incidents is entirely coincidental.

(Considering what has become of our women nowadays, I am quite sure that there are incidents similar to the untrue version of Grace’s story. But again, “Grace’s story” is a work of fiction. The names and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination and are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead or incidents is entirely coincidental.)

Arguably the Best

2007-10-24T22:30:00.000+08:00

Since the start of October, I have been itching to take a rest from schooling and couldn’t wait for my semestral break to start. I have listed down the things I want to do during my vacation and number one on that list was to clean my room because I haven’t cleaned my room for ages.

It’s been over a week since the start of my semestral break and I have succeeded in making my room immaculately clean. It took me three days to unclutter my room and it was a very tiring experience. I had to dust, remove unneeded books from the shelves, fix a broken drawer, organize knickknacks and arrange almost everything.

While I was thoroughly rummaging through my stuff, I came across several High School mementos: programmes, concert tickets, pictures, love letters, hate notes and other dust collectors I have been keeping for years. These made me remember those times when teens tried to look cool by experimenting with vices, blockheads proved their points by engaging in fistfights, virginities were rampantly stripped-off because of curiosity and lunch money was the students’ number one concern.

Attending High School is an epoch in everyone’s lives. If you were going to ask the adults around you what is their favourite and most memorable era in their academic lives, most of them would probably answer “High School”. It is arguably the best experience an academian could ever undergo.

In High School, one can be really stupid, irresponsible, ridiculously funny, idiotic and can get away with them. After quite some time, the student wouldn’t be remembered as such anymore because people tend to forget insignificant occurrences in their lives - NOT.

Here are some of the numerous rib-ticklers I experienced in High School:

Proper Garbage Disposal

One of the antics we did back then was to put trash inside the school bag of our classmates. We put scratch papers, empty bottles, candy wrappers, rocks, spoiled pack lunches, etc. The student would be really pissed-off and no one would claim responsibility.

One Monday afternoon, three of my friends and I were killing time inside our classroom while the rest of our classmates were outside attending the general meeting. We were at the back part of the classroom so no one could see us skipping the said meeting. In the middle of our conversation, Jansen excused himself to get something from his bag…

Jansen: Mga pre, sandali lang…may kukunin lang ako sa bag ko…

He then walked towards his seat. The rest of us continued to chat…then all of a sudden…

Jansen: Put*ng ina naman, o! May nag trip sa akin! May nag lagay ng basura sa bag ko!

Gp and Alvin then laughed uncontrollably As for me, I was clueless at that point and was kind of puzzled as to why they’re laughing so hard. We have been putting trash inside our classmates’ bags for weeks already and so it wasn’t that special anymore.

Gp: (still laughing) Eh, nung Friday pa namin nilagay ni Alvin yang mga yan, eh!

…and tears filled my eyes.

Vertebrates

While we were discussing Aeneid in our literature class, my seatmate was indiscreetly chattering and wasn’t listening to our teacher. Our teacher then called him to recite…

Mr. Radaza: Ronald…

Ronald: (caught off-guard) Yesser…?

Mr. Radaza: What wooden figure did the Greeks construct and was used by their army to gain entry into Troy?

Ronald: (Whispering) Pare, pare…anu sagot anu sagot…?

Barley: Hippopotamus, pre.

Ronald: (In a well-modulated voice) Ser… Hippopotamus!

Mr. Radaza: ANO!?

Aris: Giraffe, gago.

Ronald: (still in a well-modulated voice) Ay sorry ser…Giraffe pala!

Mr. Radaza: Pinag loloko mo ba ako? Lumabas ka nga!

Ronald had an early lunch break that day.

Dermatology 101

During recess, our barkada goes to the gymnasium to hangout and fool around. This is where modern myths were concocted for the sake of amusement. One student claimed that sperm could remove pimples overnight. Our pimple-infested classmate asked in disbelief: “Di’ nga? Totoo ba yun!?” To support his statement, our facial expert responded: “Pansinin mo mga porn stars, walang mga pimples di ba?” The next day, during recess, Mr. Pimples approached Mr. Facial Expert and said in an audible voice: “Pare, nag lagay ako dito (pointing to the area where he applied protein) wala naman ngyari…hindi naman totoo sinabi mo, eh!”

Ang sarap tumawa nung araw na ‘yon.

I still have lots of funny High School memories to share and I will definitely post them in future entries. I really enjoy narrating the stories above since they are my favourites...that's why some of my close friends might have already heard them.

Question of the Month

2007-10-01T20:49:00.000+08:00

Before Friendster became popular here in the Philippines, our high school class maintained a very simple MSN Groups website. It’s where former classmates, lost friends here and abroad interacted. We had the usual photo albums, message boards and a chat room. There’s also a section where writers posted their articles and artists uploaded their work.

One interesting segment in our website was the “Question of the Month”. Monthly, a short question was e-mailed to the community and our responses were posted. Those were just simple inquiries and usually related with the holiday of the month. For instance, every December, the question had something to do with Christmas like, “What is your Christmas wish?”. It promoted the community’s active participation in our web site.

There was a question I found so difficult to answer and it took me almost an hour before I was able to respond. The question was: “How do you see yourself 10 years from now?”. I wasn’t really sure what to put. I just placed there: “I don’t know…I really don’t know.” My classmates were able to put a detailed description of how they see themselves in the future but in my case, and despite efforts, I wasn’t able to.

click image

The only thing that I was really certain about was that I wanted to be a rock star. But considering the factors around me, it was a fairytale ambition. (I might elaborate on that matter in future installments on this site.)

My response to the question: "What is your ulitmate fantasy?"

That’s the problem with growing-up without any aspirations. I really don’t know why I didn’t have any. It’s maybe because I didn’t have any inspiration back then. The decorated people around me were too humble to share their achievements. During my grade school years, my mom asked this question so many times: “What do you want in life?”. To cut her sermon short, I gave her answers that left an impression that I wanted to be somebody. Most of my classmates in high school already had something in their minds and some of them have already reached their goals. I reached the college level still uncertain of what I wanted to be.

After graduation, I didn’t bother to look for a job because again, I really didn’t know what I wanted. What I did was to enter law school just for the sake of doing something. Because of the overwhelming workload, I quit and bummed for a short period of time. I went job hunting and got one as a Technical Support Engineer. By the time I reached my 3rd year in the office I have incurred so many memos, which hampered my promotion. I was having a stagnant career. Because of this and the inspiration my girlfriend was able to give me, I resigned and re-entered law school – but still unsure if that was really I wanted. Since I was half-hearted, I didn’t have the drive to study hard. I flunked 2 major subjects and got debarred.

I transferred to my present school and enrolled my flunked subjects. I could say that those failing marks I received were blessings in disguise. I was able to retake my subjects under professors who gave their students inspiration by sharing stories of their lives as law students and as lawyers. Because of the manner they teach and nurture their students, I became determined to become one of them. Finally, after years of going astray, I got myself an aspiration…a driving force that could improve my life.

The question “How do you see yourself 10 years from now?” was posted in 2002. If I were going to alter it wouldn’t be genuine anymore because that’s how I felt 5 years ago. But today is very different. If I would be given an opportunity to answer the same question today, my answer would be:

10 years from now…I’d be a ROCKSTAR!

Rock on motherfu*kers!!!

Impressive

2007-09-24T18:52:00.000+08:00

As much as possible, we don’t want anything or anyone in our lives that will put us in a bad mood. Most of us exert effort just to set ourselves in a jovial mood because being in such a mood gives us a boost in almost everything we do: At school, students will be able to absorb more of what they’re reading. In workplaces, employees can make themselves more creative (more imaginative in kissing their boss’ ass). Such mood is contagious; it’s like an uninterrupted electric current that will travel from one person to another.

But there are people that will always interrupt this flow and will put persons in a bad mood in one way or another. I call such people “human irritants”. They are always around because they have an irrevocable role in society: To replace smiles with frowns. These irritants come in various forms. I am going to give you an example of one form by sharing what I experienced:

Recently, my friend and I were having a conversation about card tricks. (Well, it wasn’t really about card tricks…I don't do card tricks...I just decided not to put here the true topic because it will become obvious as to whom I am referring to.) He said that his skills are kind of amateurish and asked me if I could teach him ways on how to improve. Since he’s very eager to learn and I wanted to help him, I demonstrated effective basic techniques and card trick exercises to improve his skill. When he already improved after quite some time, it was time for him to master more advanced lessons.

I showed him one of the most difficult card tricks of all: The Burning Bangladesh card trick. (There is no such thing.) I also shared my idea that in order for him to perform the said trick, he must first master the Tibetan Shuffle Exercise. (This one is also non-existent.) I also narrated my experiences regarding card tricks and furthered that constant practice made me realize that what David Blaine (Now this one really exists.) does is actually easy.

Just practice and you'll be able to astonish people in the streets

After a few days, I saw him together with his girlfriend and this what transpired:

Him: “Pre, kamusta?”

Me: “Okay lang naman…”

Him: “Card trick ka nga…” (hands me a deck)

Me: “Sige, kaso wala ako practice eh.” (I took my box of matches from my vest then tried the Burning Bangladesh card trick. I wasn’t able to execute it because of a mistake.)

Him: “Ay, mahirap yang Burning Bangladesh card trick. Bago mo ma-perfect yan, kelangan mo ma-master ang Tibetan Shuffle Exercise muna.”

(What the fuck!? Pa-impress sa girlfriend niyang panget?)

Me: “Ah…ganun ba.”

Him: “Practice ka lang pre…balang araw ma-iisip mo na madali lang pala ginagawa ni David Blaine."

(Ay pota ka. Ulol. Pa-impress ka lang. Naka limutan niya ata na ako nag sabi sa kanya lahat nun, eh.)

Now, I have to be fully aware of the things I say every time I speak with that person. As much as possible, I do not express ideas or share personal opinions with Mister Pa-impress. I am not saying that those are exceptionally brilliant or filled with absolute wisdom. It’s just extremely irritating to know that a person conveys ideas and opinions as if those were his. This person has great potential to become an idea thief in an enterprise and unless he changes his attitude, he shouldn’t be admitted thereto.

Mr. Pa-impress is just one of the many types of human irritants one could possibly meet. I will share other forms of irritants when I’m in the mood (or not in the mood) in the future.

This is no joke

2007-09-18T22:35:00.000+08:00

They were kind of funny during the first few days. They could make you laugh a little but cannot be considered hilarious. (I know funny because I listen to AM radio news.) During the third week, they have become irritatingly corny. By that time, they could cause the contortion of your face and probably make you swear.

The composers of those Inday Jokes must be very proud of themselves because they were able to disseminate such jokes. Because of the frequency of the SMS, they have deteriorated from bland to uninteresting. I just hope one day, the undue flooding of my inbox will stop because the brilliant creators of Inday were poisoned by their muchachas.

We have our own Inday in our house. But unlike the Inday who is actually smarter and more articulate than her fans, ours is no joke.

Ate Nida has been serving us for more than 20 years now. We consider her part of our family and trust her completely. From time to time, she takes part in decision-making activities regarding house matters and always has a role when it comes to food budgeting. Because of the longevity of her stay, she jokingly considers herself as the mayor doma or the boss of everyone. She cares for us so much that she sometimes meddles in our affairs. It’s okay because we find it sweet.

Too bad... she's not the one I'm talking about

Actually, she is a self-proclaimed screening authority to the girls I invite to come over our house to meet my parents. They all went through her before actually seeing my folks. If she likes them, she’ll treat them as if they were relatives. If she doesn’t, bahala sila sa buhay nila. I had a recent break-up and she was saddened by it. I didn’t tell her the reason because she might strangle me. And when I told the good news that my girlfriend and I have reconciled, she felt happy for me.

But before we got close, she had to endure my impish attitude during my younger years. When asked what was the worst act that I have done to her, she answered: “Sadista ka noong bata ka, eh. Sa sobrang dami, hindi ko na malaala. Siguro yung binato mo ako ng bola ng malakas.” (Inday would have responded in English) Our maidservants before her time and some of her contemporaries had to leave us because they couldn’t tolerate my mischief. Despite all the things that I have done to her, she still pampers me.

Ate Nida: "Kailan kaya ako yayaman? Ang liit mag pa sweldo dito, eh"

Since she spoils me, I give in to her requests for aftrenoon snacks most of the time and she always receives a share of whatever I am eating. (Except dark chocolates. I don’t share my dark chocolates with anyone.) A few days ago, I gave her a tall Mocca Frapacinno as pasalubong because I know that she’s dying to go to a Starbucks. After consuming the beverage, she said: “Hindi na ako pupunta sa Starbucks kasi nakakain na ako ng moccapraps.” (Inday would have used the correct verb and uttered the more accurate pronunciation.) But more importantly, she exceeds her role as a kasambahay by being a friend. I think that because she is nearing 60 years old and has spent almost one-third of her life with us, she feels that she is wise enough and has the right to give me unsolicited advices.

I let her. And I listen because she is right most of the time.

If I sense that a need exists, I do not shy away from expressing any form of feelings towards others. Be it affection, anger, envy, irritability, disappointment or thrill in varying manners. For instance, I can go straight to the point when it comes to infuriation but I stutter and pause from time to time when it comes to profession of my love. In whatever manner, I look at people straight in their eyes and tell them what I have to say. But when it comes to expressing gratitude to my Ate Nida, I have to resort to “gift giving schemes”. I don’t know why…maybe I am just uncomfortably diffident to show my thankfulness to her.

Ate Nida and her bags

Since there’s very little probability that she will be able to read this post –
Hi Ate Nida…thank you sa lahat ha…bigyan kita load mamaya pang text mo sa friends mo. Sorry sa mga paninigaw ko ha. Minsan kasi, hindi mo ako marinig. At pag sinasabihang kitang mataba, joke lang yun ha. Alam ko naman na wala lang sayo yun at naglalambing lang ako.

We are quite fortunate to have Ate Nida around. She has been a very big help to us. Not just with household chores but with our personal lives as well. It really pays to treat your Indays as if they are family because you will be rewarded by their loyalty and love. So find time to improve your relationship with them - initiate a chikka session…watch a bakya tele serye with them…or buy them moccapraps.

Desired Things

2007-09-13T23:25:00.000+08:00

For several years, there was this piece of cloth that was hung on the wall of our living room. I was in kindergarten when I first saw it. It was an orange, chamois-like material that made a flapping sound every time it was blown by the electric fan. On its topmost portion was a dull illustration of a house. Below that drawing, there were words printed in brown ink but I couldn’t decipher what the message was because I still do not know how to read at that time.

I was so proud when I learned how to read when I was in my pre-school. I learned how to perceive very simple words such as:

Fat.

Lad.

Fax.

Hot.

Gal.

…and many more.

But I still couldn’t understand the words printed on the orange cloth because they were too long for me. Most of the words there had more than three letters. For me, if a word that time exceeded three letters, it was like reading pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

I was able to read longer words when I was in the intermediate level. Despite the elevated level of my reading skill, I didn’t bother to glance over the printed paragraph because I wasn’t able to read the title. It was too foreign for me! I felt that I wouldn’t able to appreciate the message if I couldn’t understand the title. I didn’t bother to look it up because I didn’t feel the importance to know what was it. I wasn’t that interested…or I was just being plain lazy.

Our house was renovated one day and the wall where the orange cloth was hung had been knocked down. I haven’t seen the cloth ever since but sometimes, I was able to see a different version of it every time I visited a place. There was a wooden version, a framed poster, and even cross-stitched poster. I still didn’t take time to read it. The foreign-sounding title (which I could already read, by the way), the numerous paragraphs, and the boring art that usually accompanied the same were unappealing to me…or maybe, I was just being lazy.

I was in the office recently and was printing paperwork. What we do in our office is that every time we print, we must look after the printer because when it ejects, it sends the papers down to the floor. So we stand in front of it and anticipate. The printer that day was acutely slow for unknown reasons and my eyes started to wander. At the right side of the room, something familiar caught my eye. It was the writing with the foreign-sounding title. It was framed behind glass and hung on the wall. Since the printer was performing at a snail’s pace, I turned sixty degrees to my right and slightly tilted my head up to read DESIDERATA.

Desiderata
By Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,and remember what peace there may be in silence.As far as possible without surrenderbe on good terms with all persons.Speak your truth quietly and clearly;and listen to others,even the dull and the ignorant;they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,they are vexations to the spirit.If you compare yourself with others,you may become vain and bitter;for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.Exercise caution in your business affairs;for the world is full of trickery.But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;many persons strive for high ideals;and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.Especially, do not feign affection.Neither be cynical about love;for in the face of all aridity and disenchantmentit is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,gracefully surrendering the things of youth.Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.Beyond a wholesome discipline,be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,no less than the trees and the stars;you have a right to be here.And whether or not it is clear to you,no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,whatever you conceive Him to be,and whatever your labors and aspirations,in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,it is still a beautiful world.Be cheerful.Strive to be happy.

After reading the prose, I realized that I have been depriving myself of something worthwhile. I can’t blame myself. The title was not catchy enough, there were heaps of paragraphs that seemed to be dragging and I haven’t been attracted to any art that went along with it.

TAMAD KA LANG, UNGAS!

Because of my connate laziness, I missed the opportunity to read at a young age something that can be considered as “one of life’s greatest tips”. I should have read it when I had the opportunity even if I had to open the dictionary a million times.

This captivating literary work can be used as a reminder if not as a guideline on how to have a happy life by establishing healthy relationships and maintaining one’s well-being. Of course we know a thing or two about life as we deduce from the experience we get everyday. So why do we need such reminder? It’s because of the fact that we tend to forget. What’s worse is that we are so stubborn – we just love those intentional remakes of our blunders. So it won’t hurt if we hang one and read it from time to time just to minimize, if not eliminate our recurring mistakes. These mistakes are roadblocks to attaining glee. But it is easier read than done. If it were a new age tablet of commandments, I have been violating a handful, but not all.

Because I forget and I am stubborn.

I am not on good terms with some of the people around me. There are two sets of people I have in mind. One consists of people who are distant from me so it’s not much of a loss. And the other one is comprised of people who were previously close to me but because of unwanted circumstances, the bond that we never expected to be destroyed just crumbled. But I am always the one who makes the first move to patch things up. Always…all the time…if I am still interested.

Sometimes, I don’t listen to people who bore me and I hate myself for this. Nayayabangan ako sa sarili ko. Pakshet! I strongly agree with the line “…and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.” This made me recall what happened a few years ago: I was very dispirited that time and got a cliché-ish, unsolicited advice from such a person and it helped me. A lot. And recently, a “dull” person’s candidness actually made me realize something. I try to improve on this aspect as I already take time to listen to them. But still, there are times that I don’t.

I still hangout with loud and aggressive persons. I find them amusing most of the time especially when they display their “empty can antics”. But that’s the only thing I can give them: They’re just ribaldly funny. Most of them are learned people and are equally entertaining - whether they are making a statement or just trying to be funny. What I worry about is that I might imbibe their undesirable character.

I compare myself with others at times. Not under the concept of vanity but I do this to improve the quality of what I do. I compare myself both to lesser and greater persons so that I can learn something from them. Envy sometimes sets in because there are things that I can’t do while others can do those with ease. That’s something I want get out of my system.

I want to find joy in my life. The above are hindrances as they actually render a heavy heart. It’s not easy to rectify them, but I have to start somehow. We all want to achieve complete elation in our lives but we have to strive for it. Since we are in a symbiotic set-up, we can start by improving our relationship with others. Max Ehrmann’s Desiderata or “desired things” can serve as an inspiration to help us on our quest for happiness and how to retain it.

Papano kung ako na?

2007-09-05T22:20:00.003+08:00

It was every motorist’s dream. There were very few vehicles on the road, there were no inconsiderate pedestrians that could impede your driving, and to top it all, no MMDA traffic enforcers who kan’t spel violashuns were around.

This was last Sunday, second day of September at around 4 o’ clock in the morning. I was on my way to Century Park Hotel to drop by Bert’s room to show my support and wish him luck. Bert was about to take the Bar Examinations and I could tell that his spirits were high as I entered his room. He stood up smiling, shook my hand, greeted me enthusiastically and then resumed to eat his Tapa King meal at the corner of his room. There was no showing that he had high fever the night before as he continued to talk energetically. He was being bar-op’d by his girlfriend, Dyosa.

Bert and Dyosa

I felt a little tense and sat on one of the beanbags. I thought that what Bert was doing was something very difficult for me to do. (No…don’t get me wrong, I can talk while my mouth is filled with tapa and rice.) This guy woke up at around 4am, probably took a quick shower and was about to face one of his greatest challenges yet: The Bar.
It was not Dyosa’s seemingly contagious fidgeting made me nervous but it was the situation at hand. It made me ask myself: “Papano kung ako na?”

We bade our good-byes and then I went down to the 6th floor to check out the hotel operations. Faith, Satch, Calai, Froilan, and some other peeps comprised the team of hotel operators who were assigned on the floor. They seemed a little drowsy because they haven’t had any sleep since Saturday morning. I joined them in some of their tasks and hung-out for a while. It was already 5 in the morning but amazingly, Satch was still smiling. Froilan tried to wake himself up by doing “shadow fade-away shots”. Faith started to get a little cranky and I began to feel sleepy. As I sat on the hotel floor, I began to notice the Bar Examinees who were in front of me. Some of them calmly chanted prayers. Some coolly read their last minute tips. But most of them obviously had the jitters. Reflecting on what I have just observed, I asked myself again: “Papano kung ako na?”

Satch and Calai

At 6am, Froilan, Faith and I left the hotel and proceeded to the school’s rendezvous. There, we joined our schoolmates, professors, alumni and school owner in showing support for our barristers. Arellano’s Bar Examinees marched in front of us and we cheered for them as if they were rock stars. It was sort of a “hatid” for our barristers. The number of our delegates was a little less than King Leonida’s army who fought in the Battle of Thermopylae. (Relatively, the students were the Thespians.) As the barristers slowly paraded in front of us I said a little prayer for them. It’s the least I can do to help them. I really felt the tension in the air. Only a few were smiling. Most of them seemed to long for a cigarette. The chatterboxes along the Arellano Bridge were silenced. Those were the immediate effects of the Bar Examinations. I again placed myself in their position – “Papano kung ako na?”.

Hail to the Chiefs

The Thespians

I did not participate in any Bar Operations when I was in the University of Santo Tomas because I simply didn’t care. I was already in Arellano University when I started to attend the traditional Bar Operations. But it was a first time for me to attend the festivities on the first Sunday and it was very moving experience.

That's the way to support your brod...give him a thumbs-down!

Atty. Santos and Atty. Teodoro (Then student-professor - Now pañeros)

It will still be a very long journey for me before I will take the Bar Examinations. I will be attending more Bar Operations before my time will come. In the meantime, I must do everything in my power to answer the question: “Papano kung ako na?”.

Introduction

2007-09-03T12:55:00.000+08:00

More often than not, I get irked when faced with something that I cannot comprehend. To get rid of the annoyance, I can choose from two different solutions: First is to let it go and do activities, which I think are more important. (Sleeping is one important activity for me as it lets me escape from the harsh realities of life.) And second, I burn precious time just to figure it out.

It may be a technical pattern of a musical piece, which makes me want to act like that puppet from Sesame Street who slams his face over his piano keys every time he commits a mistake. Of course I don’t do it. And besides, I play a different instrument, not the piano.

It could be a lengthy and dragging provision of law, which makes me frown, scratch my head and say, “Ano raw?” It could be a person who has been actuated by goofy motives - “Ah, inahit mo kilay mo kasi trip mo lang?” It could also be the technical language of a set of instructions: Shake well before using.

Or it could be myself. Sometimes, I ask myself: “ ‘T*ng ina mo… ano nanaman itong pinasok mo, Barleon?”

It could be anything.

One thing that captured my attention and left me baffled is that people nowadays let others read their diaries. Diaries are usually concealed from sight because it contains one’s everything – from personal experiences (first time to get laid) to desires (the want to get laid)…to fantasies (the want to get laid in a bizarre manner). Even your very best friend who has the ablity to steal your sweetheart away from you must not know where your diary is. Hide it somewhere…underneath a tree for instance...and break a nosy person’s heart.

These diaries that bewildered me because of the manner in which they are kept, are called blogs. Since I don’t want to be “bothered” by these “new age diaries”, I let those go and did something else. For quite some time, without really reading blog entries or visiting any blog site, there existed in my head an inaccurate concept of blogging. I thought it was a “pure online personal diary” that is open to the public. So if a man posts an entry that expresses how he is so shocked to find out that his girlfriend is a lesbian, he might turn out to be the envy of the whole male community that read his blog.

Then I started reading some. I found out that I was so wrong. Blogs indeed have the personal flavour of diaries but comparing the two, the former are more universal. Blogging is not all about people’s first time, their desire to have a first time or their fantasy to have their first time in a bizarre manner. It doesn’t end there. Most blogs contain people’s commentaries, ideas, perspectives, insights, etc.

I don’t keep a diary but I am a memorabilia person. I keep movie tickets, take pictures of people and things, take home programmes, store text messages except love quotes (such messages are auto-deleted), preserve personal notes and e-mail and other similar bakya stuff.

Now, I decided to establish a blog and this is my first official entry. It’s not that I wanted to join the bandwagon, but aside from the encouragement that some of my close friends gave me, I just thought it would be better for me to write about the things that run through my narrow mind instead of having a mental battle with myself. (It’s not much of a skirmish actually.) I’m a little jazzed about this and I hope it will not be eaten up by my ningas cugon.